pulling my hair out

Gracie is driving me nuts. I don’t know what her problem is. She’s been screaming and crying ever since I got home from work. Over stupid stuff. Like a minute ago, she wanted to watch Scooby Doo and the Witches Ghost, so I put it in and start rewinding it. Well, she threw herself in the floor and started screaming “Not yet! No!” and crying. All because she wanted to dress up first. She thinks she has to be wearing a dress and holding her toy guitar before she can watch it. You know, it would’ve been okay if she had just asked, not pitched a fit. Why is she acting like this, and how can I make her stop? Anybody know?

It’s raining again, and it’s cold. I was so glad to leave work. It’s freezing in there! My office is in the service department, and it just doesn’t get warm in there. You know, they have to keep opening the garage doors to get cars in and out and all stuff like that. I have a heater in my office, but it doesn’t help much. Well, it would if when people came in they would shut the door behind them. I should be used to freezing my ass off by now.

I got it

I just bought PSP 7! I can’t wait until it gets here!

heat wave

It’s above 70 degrees outside right now, and hot as hell in here. What’s up with that? It’s FEBRUARY for Pete’s sake! It’s supposed to be in the 30’s or 40’s, not the 70s. It’s so warm that I only have Arien dressed in a onesie and a little pair of pants. It’s so hot in here. Even witht he windows open and the fans on, it’s not cooling much. I could turn the air conditioner on, but I refuse to do that in February. This isn’t right.

Today must be my lucky day. I should’ve gone to jail a while ago. I passed our resident asshole cop (same one that got my license suspended) doing 50 something in a 30 mph zone. I just knew I was fucked. I was sure I was going to jail. They don’t like it when people drive on suspended licenses around here. But dude just looked at me and went the other way. I thanked God for that right then. Today is not a good day to get arrested, although the prospect of seeing Daphne in jail was nice. She wouldn’t have anywhere to run there….

Wayne called this morning. He got a letter from the DA about child support. He said “What the fuck is this thing I’ve got from the cops? Did you go file for child support on Arien?”

“Sure did,” I told him.

“Well, fuck you then, bitch!” Then he hung up on me.

What the hell did he expect me to do? $30 a week isn’t enough to support 2 kids. He got off easy the first time, it ain’t going to be like that again. I don’t exactly need the money, it’s just the principal of the thing. He screwed me over, I’m returning the favor.

tubal ligation

I know I mentioned something about this earlier. I thought that maybe I should elaborate.

My mom is trying to force me to get this done. She says if I get pregnant again, she’ll beat the shit out of me. I won’t have a place to live if I do. I don’t plan on getting pregnant anytime soon. I probably won’t be having sex anytime soon (I only do that with Waynie. I feel guilty if I’m with anyone else.). But I might want kids sometime in the future. I want to have that option. If I get my tubes tied, I won’t.
It’s not like Arien was an accident. She was planned. Wayne decided that he wanted another baby. He wanted to try for a boy, and he wanted to do it right this time. He said we’d get married, he’d get a good job, and all that other good stuff. I didn’t want to have a baby right then, but I let him talk me into it. Now we have our beautiful girl, and nothings like he said it would be.

My mom doesn’t want me to have anymore kids and live with her. I don’t plan on that. Hell, the only reason I live with her now is that we were living with Wayne until he and I broke up. Where else was I supposed to go? Move into a cardboard box under the bridge. I don’t think so. I can understand where she’s coming from, but I don’t think she should be trying to force me into having my tubes tied. I’ve come up with an alternative, but she doesn’t like that idea. She wants it her way or no way. What am I supposed to do?

mommy….MAAAHH-MEEEEE

Yeah, I’ve heard this about every 3 seconds today. Gracie keeps yelling for me. For no reason, most of the time. But a couple of times it’s been to come change the channel for her or put a movie in, or something like that. The kid knows how to work the VCR and the remote. She might only be 3, but she’s usually very independant. I don’t know what her problem is today. Maybe she’s just feeling left out or something. Maybe she just doesn’t realize that I’m trying to get something done on here (doesn’t seem like it now, huh? I just needed a break from searching).

I’m going through the Tennessee Anytime site (government site, lots of helpful stuff…if you can find it) to see how I can get childcare assistance. The only person I know that would know about this is Jenny, but her husband won’t let her talk to me anymore (yet another long story). I’m having major problems with being able to work because I can never find a babysitter for Arien. I’m going to put both of them in daycare, but everywhere around her costs $50 per kid! I can’t afford that. Jenny used to only pay $5 a week, and I know it was through government childcare assistance. I *need* that. So, I guess I’m going to spend another hour or two digging through the site to find information. I’m sure it’s there, but that is the most unorganized site I have ever seen.

I miss PSP

I’ve been trying to come up with new layouts lately, but without PSP, it’s virtually impossible. When I had it, it was just a trial version. I can’t afford to buy it right now, but I wish I could. It probably wouldn’t help much, anyway. My creativity is just gone. Don’t know where it went. I used to be good at layouts. But I have to admit that this PowerPuff Girls layout sucks. It’s all I could come up with at the time, and it only took like 5 minutes to throw together. Gracie watches the powerpuff girls a lot. I think I have the movie memorized…

Oh, my aching back

My back just keeps hurting more and more. I thought that it would quit hurting in a couple of days, that I’d just pulled a muscle or something. I guess I was wrong, and I’m going to have to give up and see a doctor. It’s getting to where I can’t even stand to bend over to get Arien out of her bassinet. And picking Gracie up is just out of the question. It hurts too damn bad. If I lie down, I have to get up very slowly and carefully. I walk with my knees bent and my upper back really straight, and I look stupid. You can just imagine how many weird looks I got when I went to get groceries last night.

I know I swore off pain pills last night, but I’m probably going to end up taking them again. I just won’t take two at a time. Maybe I can convince somebody to babysit while I go to the doctor tomorrow. I can always get a babysitter for Gracie, but it’s hard to find one for Arien. There are only so many people that I’ll leave her with, and those people are usually busy. I’ll probably end up waiting until Monday to go. My mom doesn’t have to work and she can watch her.

I have a week full of doctor’s appointments next week. I have to go see the OB-GYN Tuesday for my checkup and to discuss getting my tubes tied. I don’t want to do it, but I’m kinda being forced into it (long story. I might explain later). I’m having a root canal and a tooth cut out Thursday morning. I’m really looking forward to that (said with a lot of sarcasm!).

Well, I have to go kill my back now by standing in front of the sink and washing dishes. We really need to get a dishwasher.